Posted in Chronic Ilness, Common Sense, Emily Wierenga, Faith Barista, Fibromyalgia, Imperfect Prose, Relationship vs Religion, Spirituality, Suffering, The Love of God, The Pharisees

A Monster called Fear


God’s Thoughts to Me

To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey (Matthew 25:15, NIV).

The Gift of Grace


I am well acquainted with a monster called Fear. Like a giant octupus, this species has not only eight, but seventy-times-seven tentacles.

Each one reached deep into the remote corners of my heart, suffocating the last bit of life, breath and hope of the little one hiding from the world.


The Master Creator also equipped us with the common-sense-kind-of-fear to enable us to survive in a world lost in chaos and darkness … a world without a father’s hand to guide, steer and love her.

The check-the-traffic-before-you-cross-the-street kind, the don’t-do-handstands-on-the-edge-of-a-high-cliff kind of common sense, the kind my oldest son lacks completely.

My Fearless Son
My Fearless Son

Murder, rape and abuse are the order of the day. But there is another kind of invisible rape … spiritual rape! In my opinion, the worst kind, with the perpetrators usually the “authorities” responsible for the care of our souls.

Blaise Pascal once wrote,”Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction”. I am a victim of this truth!


Fm/CFS researchers report that it takes up to 4-5 years to diagnose a person with this disabling disease. I was no exception and I’m well aware of the stigma attached to this illness. We are labelled as lazy hypochondriacs who do not have all their marbles.

But even worse, was the treatment I recieved from the religious community. When I became ill and was diagnosed with that between-your-ears disease, I went to see my pastor and his wife, urgently needing help to get rid of this nonsense in my mind.

The Sunday before my visit, he preached a sermon on the talents. According to him, the talents were the Gospel we needed to spread. You can just put two and two together and see where the poor soul who buried his talent underground was doomed to go!!


I was devastated and angry at our Pappa and my visit to the pastor nailed my suspicions on its head. For before I could say much, they diagnosed this illness as the result of not serving in the church ministries.

My Pappa God, in my mind, was a cruel, uncaring slavemaster kind of fellow, demanding the impossible or if I didn’t perform,  sending me to hell. Quite a catch 22 situation.

At that time, when this cruel thing happened, I believed my heart was raped and to my mind, my Pappa was the rapist. Didn’t He see how very, very ill I was? I could barely take care of my myself or my family. Now I had to spread the gospel and serve in church; otherwise, I only had a one-way ticket to the hot place.


To make a long story short, I spent hours spreading the gospel and tried to do as much as possible for whoever had a need I could fulfill. I recall experiencing my family as a burden, standing in my way to serve this God who had His knife in for me.

Until the day arrived I became bedridden for a long time. All the fear, stress and hard work caused this illness to become much worse.

That was when I seriously started seeking my Pappa and trying to understand the Scriptures. I was unable to read the parable of the talents without getting a panic attack!


But our Pappa owns all the time in the world and patiently taught me the true meaning of the talents. I discovered the work of Mr James Fowler, an excellent Bible teacher, and his explanation of the parable brought light and love to my heart.

The talents our Pappa dispenses is the costly grace gift of our Lord Jesus Himself. Two of the servants who received the talents, were guys with open hearts to receive the availability of Pappa’s grace.

Through their grace-filled endeavours, they expanded and multiplied their initial supply and received grace upon grace upon grace. They functioned the way humans are designed to live and were led into the joy of their Pappa.

The other servant was like the religious Scribes and Pharisees who viewed our Pappa as an exacting, tyrannical bookkeeper; fearing the day of the Divine Audit.


This poor soul would not even allow for the slightest operation of grace, but rather buried his portion in the false security offered by doctrines, creeds, rituals, morality, church attendance, etc.

The followers of this false security can only dig up the archaelogical remnants and theological tenets. They become master hoarders of religion and bury the Gospel of Grace deep underground.


Oh, the freedom our Pappa brought to my heart when He revealed to me the truth of His master plan of redemption, “God saved you by His grace. and you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God (Ephesians 2:8).”

He showed me that just like Adam and Eve, I was deceived by the serpent’s lie, which told me that I could be like my Pappa, able to save myself through all my religious efforts.

He was not in the least offended by my terrible accusations against Him. In fact, He told me that  He also would not have served a monstrous deity such as the one I had painted in my mind.


He enabled my feeble heart to receive His grace, mercy and compassion in abundance;  new every morning, and allowed me all the time I needed to heal while resting in His Loving Embrace.

Much love xx


Linking-up with






I live in a small seaside town on the south-east coast of South Africa. I suffer from fybromyalgia/constant fatigue syndrome. I trust in the Lord Jesus for grace and strength to survive from day to day. He provides me with this and more and I therefore like to try and encourage others with the same illness. I am married and I am the proud mother of two grown sons.

16 thoughts on “A Monster called Fear

  1. Mia, thank you for the insight on the parable of the talents! I still struggle with that one as I am in the throws of God breaking financial chains…it always amazes me how He will use each of us to teach each other! Thank you again! Found you through Bonnie.

    1. Dear Jean
      I am so glad that you were encouraged by this post. It took a long time for me to be healed enough by our Lord before I was able to talk about this! But as always, He used even this fear and worked it for my good. I hope your financial chains will be sorted out!
      Much love and blessings

  2. Hi Mia, what a wonderful story, it echoes my story so much, Like you I have now found the truth of our father. Fear is such a crippling thing and we have to lean on him to conquer.

    1. Dear Sharon
      I makes me sad whenever I hear of anyone being treated this way in our Pappa God’s name. I am glad that He helped you too to overcome.
      Much love

  3. Hi Mia,
    All the works in the world will never save us, only the gift of Jesus Christ can do that. The walk with Jesus is not one of works but of relationship. As you know, the meaning of this a something very different than works. When in a relationship you want to please and serve the one you love. You are eager to do so same thing with Jesus. We work for Him because we love Him and know Him not so we can be saved. His love on the cross saves us and there is nothing we can do in our own strength to save ourselves but to trust in Him.

    It is a wonderful, simple thing.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    1. Dear Friend
      It truly is so plain and so simple that only those with a childlike heart is truly able to understand and just receive. We have made the simplicity of a life lived in our Lord Jesus so complex to satisfy our own need for feeling important and in control of our own lifes.
      Much love

  4. Mia, Thank you for sharing your story. Some in my extended family have had similar experiences. There was one point in your post where I gasped. My hearts hurts for those with wounds so deep as yours. Thank you again for sharing your story! Rachael @ Inking the Heart

    1. Dear Rachael
      Yes, dear one, this is the worst kind of abuse! Like I just mentioned to Renee, that if we cannot live and love life in our Lord Jesus, what else is there than the fear of death. I hope your family are also healed from their spiritual wounds.
      Much love to you

  5. What a powerful post, Mia. I am so sorry you have gone through so much…I definitely understand what you went through. Fear is a monster for sure…..False Evidence Appearing Real!

    1. Dear Renee
      What makes this fear the worst kind, is the fact that if you believe your Pappa God to be as unfair and cruel as the world, where else can we go and what else do we live and love for! Oh, the joy of being set free from this monstrous lie by Him who doesn’t only tell us the truth, but is TRUTH Himself.
      Hugs and blessings

    1. Dear Jennifer
      Our sweet Lord did tell us to let our words be few, didn’t He! And also to listen much more than we are talking.
      Much love

  6. Dear sweet Mia,
    My blood boils when I hear stories like this! There’s nothing we can do to earn God’s favor. We receive His gift of grace. It’s so amazing that it’s free and that we really don’t deserve it. And yet He loves us so much! Out of that love He works in us and through us to impact others. One person may be gifted in hospitality toward others, another might be someone who helps others (fixing things, taking them to the grocery,etc), others are amazing speakers or writers. But the motive isn’t to earn favor with God or to be seen by others. It’s because we overflow with such love and gratitude that we simply cannot keep it to ourselves.

    I am so sorry for all you’ve gone through. I can only say that I treasure the visits you’ve made to Heart Choices. You always seem to leave such a wonderful encouraging comment and I thank you for that.

    Blessings and love,

    1. Dearest Debbie
      My heart rejoices when I see someone getting it right like you so obviously do! We don’t get spiritual gifts as something belonging to us. With our natural prideful heart that is a recipe for disaster. Rather, our receptive hearts allows our Lord to love others through us by supplying in their needs as they are needed! Like your hands and fingers tying the shoelaces of your little ones school shoes.
      Love to you

  7. Mia,
    I love this post! Fear can be crippling. Anytime fear creeps into my life, I stop to ask myself whether or not this is a common-sense fear or a contrived fear. Most of the time, it is contrived. I go to The Father and ask for His healing, every day, every minute…. staying in communion is necessary and oh, so beautiful. Found you on Faith Barista! Blessings!

    1. Dear Cynthia
      Thank you for visiting! I will pop over to your place soon. Yes, it is so important and totally delightful to stay in communion with our Pappa God every moment of every day. Like Paul said that we should pray without ceasing.
      Much love

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