God’s Thoughts to Me
I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and a bridle to keep it under control. (Psalm 32:8-9, NLT)
It is a great honor to participate in Amber’s Concrete Word Series. Amber paints with words and she brings the abstract to life through her use of concrete words. Amber can be found at http://therunamuck.com/2012/10/28/an-abstraction-on-the-horse/.
The last few weeks this Scripture has been repeating like a refrain in my mind and I was quite puzzled and uncertain about the reason my thoughts kept wandering back to Psalm 32. My heart quietly, without words, asked our Heavenly Father the reason for my predicament for I had a suspicion that I was being compared to a senseless horse or stubborn mule.
When I saw Amber’s invitation to write on An Abstraction on a Horse, I knew our Pappa was leading me to a painful, yet liberating revelation. The haphazard array of puzzle pieces in my mind started to fit perfectly as the scales, blinding my spiritual eyes, fell off. I could slowly but surely start to comprehend what our Pappa was trying to teach me.
For the past 8 years I have been suffering from Fm/ME and although I have come to a place of sweet acceptance and know our Lord will work His good through this illness as well, I have found it difficult to understand why our Pappa uses such a debilitating, chronic, painful illness to bring about His good. He knows how very sensitive I am to pain! But as always His thoughts and ways are definitely not mine!
Our Lord is very well acquainted with all my insecurities and shame-based self-esteem that causes me to gallop ahead like a frigthened, senseless horse, as fast as I can. During biblical times the horse was the fastest transportation available and I could relate to that. My whole life was consumed by my frantic galloping and racing, trying to outrun all the ghosts of my past: the feelings of guilt and condemnation for being so sinful and imperfect, my constant striving for approval and acceptance, etc. I was over-eager to convince my Pappa that with a lot of elbow grease and self-effort I could clean up my act and be worthy of His love.
I longed for His unconditional love, for His guidance and acceptance. I longed to walk with my God, but I was like a stubborn horse who lacked understanding. The jockey riding this horse was a very nasty fellow called Fear. He had a comfortable ride while I had to plow my way through the swamp of depression and despondency. I felt totally defeated as I was wallowing in the mud and mire of rejection and hopelessness. Mr Fear was a cruel man showing no mercy or kindness. Then that sweet day arrived when our God stopped this horse in its tracks with such velocity that Mr Fear flew off my back forever.
Our Pappa knew of my desperate plight and rescued me from this despicable man by allowing this illness to enter my life. It was the bit and bridle He used to lead this stubborn horse out of the marshland of despair into the beautiful meadow of His love and acceptance. Old habits die hard and I need to allow our Lord to keep a tight reign on the bridle of my life.
I am so grateful that He has, in His divine wisdom, allowed this illness to teach this galloping horse His ways and paths. Living with the constant pain and exhaustion that accompany Fm/ME is not easy, but is has taught me, like Paul had to learn, that His grace is always sufficient.
In conclusion, this is one horse that needs the firm Hand to lead it!
Hugs and blessings